I hate this, I feel so sick right now, having this feverish feel.
I dont know when.. when was the last time I feel good... fucking hell.
Da fuck.
This whole this entire week of preparation is as.good.as nothing
What studt date what amath practices what notes all just lies I can barely remember more than half the things I did what if I tried so hard but it ends up as good as not trying at all who understand s how I feel now I can't even understand myself oh God I dont want another phase of disappointment I know I haven't been a good girl to do as much as I could this holiday I have woken up what more do I have to go through.
Slient cry is always the hardest ughhh my throat hurts so much.
Tsk after all I am still right.  Its easier to hide this rather than sharing it with anybody cause honestly I trust no one right now. Nobody. ..

People have to stop putting ideas in my head im just not smart enough not good enough not capable enough I dont want to bring my hopes up and end up getting crashed so badly by it. It hurts its painful I hate disappointments I hate doing so much and I dont get anything. I hate all the unfairness.
I am irritated stop it..... you wont understand me because you can never understand me through text. Fuck my life

All I have ever thought was what if just what if ...... 如果能有一通电话,有某些人打给我问候问候,关心一下, and be willing to pacify(maybe not so bad ) just comfort me through actions will be more than enough. ..
"Nu hai zhi ma... dang ran xu yao bei cong ai yixia ma..."